It's Not Who I Am
by Potential Schizophrenic
Summary: When your family are all criminals, Kira hits hard. All-round criminal Jex is part of a gang, and her family are being killed all around her. Tell me if rating needs to go up-theres some blood,swearing,crime. Eventual pairing undecided, but its in there.
1. Who I Was

**I'm not gonna finish this until I've finished at least two of my other stories, but I had to write this so I could get it out of my head. Sorry if its bad.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy! Although that might not be the right word...**

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"You wanna die, bitch?!" I shoved the gun into the side of the fucker's face, pressing until I was sure it would leave a mark. His eyes were wide, he was backed up against a wall, and he wasn't expecting a girl to fight back. Even though he knew I was gunna kill him, he still tried to get away. I locked a hand round his throat. He spat at me. He missed, but that's beside the point. I shot the bastard's brains out, and he slid down the wall, leaving a trail of blood.

"Ugh." I surveyed my clothes. They were covered in blood. Huh. I'd have to go change. But first, I swiped the guy's wallet from his pocket. A little extra cash can't hurt.  
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_That was the first person I killed. I was seventeen. The guy made a big mistake, and didn't think I'd fight back. And ya know something? I didn't feel a thing when I pulled the trigger._

_As far as I'm concerned, life started age twelve. Seven years ago. But before that, it all kinda…I don't know how to explain, but to put it in crap Hollywood terms, it made me what I am today. Ugh. I hate talking like that. _

_Dad was in the whole business of selling 'big guns to bad people' and he was wanted by the government for selling to terrorists. I'm not sure if that was true, but it probably was. He only married mom and had me as a cover, so he could hide behind us as a kind of shield. Mom loved him, but he didn't love her. She tried to drown it in Martini, but she was a violent drunk. And who better to take out her rage on than her young daughter? Whenever dad was there he would hit her for drinking when I was around and then hit me for not stopping her. Thank god he was hardly ever there. So all this added up to me being the 'problem kid' at school. No teachers could handle me, and despite my good grades they hated me. In fact, I was getting the best grades, but they didn't care because I sat at the back of the room playing with lighters. They left me pretty much alone. _

_So, when I was twelve, I was already an accomplished hacker. I hacked dad's bank and got some cash- I could always go back and get more; he was a rich man- and stole his phone. I was a kid, but with my dearest father's cash on me, the dealer he was connected to listened to me, and I got what I wanted. He got a big tip on top so he wouldn't tell dad. It was amazing how many kids at school wanted to act 'bad' and go 'off the rails'- pretty soon I was making my own money, selling drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and knives on the playground. It lasted 'til I was nearly fourteen. I never did get caught. Heh. _

_But when I got caught throwing knives at the back of the bike sheds, the teachers went mad at me. The kids watching me ran for it, and I was hauled up before the principle. He was in my face, yelling at me and spitting while he talked. Something about the dangers of knives and how I could've killed someone and why did I have them on school property? I didn't pay any attention, just flicked my lighter on and off. He snatched it from me, tried to force me to listen to him. Without really paying much attention, I punched him in the nose. He fell back, broken nose bleeding, and I was dragged off by a teacher. Eventually it took three to restrain me. They even went as far as to calling the _police_._

_Dad had a legal business too, and he was respected, so a few words from him and I was off the hook with a warning, criminal record and a fine, which dad paid. Mom sent her driver to pick me up. He didn't say a word, didn't even look at me. I sneered and ignored him.._

_I walked in the door, intending to go straight to my room, but my way was blocked by mom. And dad. Oh no. both of them. They began screaming and hitting and shouting until I turned and ran. I didn't get very far before dad grabbed my wrist and stubbed his cigarette out on the back of my hand. I screamed. I was young; I wasn't almost immune to pain like I am now. I fell to the ground and he signaled a friend of his from the front room to drag me to my room. But I still had some fight. I open handedly slapped the guy when he tried to grab me, and ran out the front door. I hitch hiked my way to New York._

_I survived on my wits for months, pick-pocketing and shoplifting and cuting my way into hostels where I could sleep. I always have been cute. Still am, which makes some bitches think I'm weak. I show them soon enough. But even still, I slept rough some nights. I lost connection with dad's dealer. Didn't have the money to pay him. It was a rough time._

_I was fifteen before I learned how much money I could get by working the streets. I made some friends in the red light district and they showed me the best spots to pick up clients. They took me in until I could afford to rent my own place. It was a crappy little apartment, tiny and dirty, but it suited me just fine. Before I turned sixteen, I got back into the drugs game. Never in my life did I take anything myself, but I sold stuff to some of my clients, and soon I was a respected dealer. When I started taking business from the more connected dealers out there, they sought me out and came to 'talk' with some of their gang buddies. I know I should've been scared, but I was really past caring what happened to me. Without me really saying much they figured I wasn't new to this, and decided it would be better if I wasn't an enemy. So I guess that was when I joined the gang. _

_Within a month of that I stopped…I gave up…hmm. What I'm trying to say is I stopped being a whore. I had plenty cash and now I was connected to the gang. The leader made sure there was always a place open in the city if we had nowhere else to go. He had loads of apartments and there was always someone there. It was in exchange for us doing all his dirty work. I got more and more involved in the gangs business: fighting, robbery, starting fires, mugging, and sometimes kidnap. There were always police to avoid, other gangs to fight off. I didn't kill anyone until that day. After that I killed whenever I needed to; I'm mad enough for it not to effect me in the slightest. That's always really been my problem. I'm insane. I never looked back on my past before today. I got a new family; the most hardcore dealers, thieves, murderers, thugs, rapists, arsonists, con artists, kidnappers, smugglers, assassins, hookers and the occasional spy in America. I didn't know all of them, but they were in my gang, so they were my family._

_But then Kira showed up, and my family began to be killed off; one heart attack after another. We all kept an eye on the TV for news of what was happening, who could die, who _had_ died. I had to count myself one of the lucky ones. Sure, I was wanted by the police, but I'd been going by a fake name since I left my parents house. I refuse to say it was home. It's not like criminals to be sentimental, but when the first few of us died, we were scared. Some of us cried. But I never did. I haven't cried since…well, I can't remember. But I'm nineteen now, and the world is changing. It's the first time we ever took the side of the police in anything. We side with the anonymous detective. We side with L. _

**Sorry for the crappy ending. I wasnt really sure why I wanted to write this so badly, but it DOES have something to do with Death Note! She gets more involved with L and Kira as the story develops. This is the only chapter thats gonna be in first person, the rest will be in third, unless you guys say otherwise. I'm not continuing with this until two of my three in-progress stories are finished, but i wanted to publish this bit. R&R, so that if i dont get any reviews, i'll know i shouldnt continue.**


	2. How I Live

**I pulled back a story to work on this (the other story wasnt great). I like this one, it calms me down, but even still, it has no real direction. It might be crap, it might be good, i dont know. you people are the only people who can tell me that.**

**By the way, Ink is a guy, though he appears kinda like Jex's sister and one time he slept with a guy in an underpass for money. He's probably gay, but i'm not sure if he's bi or not...**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!**

"Jex. Jex. Jex, wake up, god damn it!" Jex heard the voice cut through her sleep and identified it as Ink, a serial arsonist who was also her best friend.

"Five more minutes…" she mumbled, and turned over in her sleep. As she did so, she felt arms wrapped around her. She didn't remember anyone being there last night…

"Woah!" She leapt up and away from the person who was holding her. She had fallen asleep on the floor of one of the gang apartments, like usual, and she looked down at herself to find she was still wearing last night's clothes. If she woke up next to some guy, why was she still dressed…?

Ink laughed at her confusion. "You were shivering in your sleep, and Banks decided he'd keep you warm." Jex glared at Ink and then glared at a now-awake Banks, who grinned and sat up. He was a huge guy, jailed twice for GBH, and he reached up his huge muscly arm and slapped her ass.

"Banks!" Jex spun and furled out her leg, kicking Banks hard round the head.

"Ow…" he dropped to the floor, dazed. Ink was killing himself laughing, but soon remembered why he'd woken the irritable dealer up.

"Jex, you need to get to the den right now. Kira got Rookie last night. They want you to take on his stock." Jex paled.

"Rookie?" He was the oldest and most experienced dealer in the gang. "They want _me _to take on his stock?" Rookie's stock went to the most volatile and dangerous users around. Taking on his stock would mean taking on those users. For a nineteen year old girl, it was pretty scary. "Ink, you can't be serious?"

"For once, I'm actually not lying." Ink's innocence and modesty act got really irritating some times.

"Ink, what do I do? When they know they've got a girl dealer, they'll kill me and steal my stock!"

"No they won't." Banks rolled his eyes. "What happened to Sexy Jexy, the hooker who saw off our toughest guys when they tried to take her drug stock when she wasn't even seventeen? She can deal with those headcases. I know she can." He slung an arm over Jex's shoulder and squeezed a little. She was more than a foot shorter than him, so she had to crane her neck to grin up at him.

"You know, for someone who beats up guys for money, you sure are soft." He smiled.

"Don't think I can't be tough when I need to!" He lifted her over his shoulder and laughed when she started yelling at him to put her down. Ink laughed, thinking that, for criminals, they weren't half soft.

"You know, you two really don't act at all like the thugs you are." Ink remarked as Banks set Jex down. Jex laughed incredulously.

"Don't act like you're an angel! You've had your fair share of crime and punishment!"

"You forgot the arson, the burglary, the dealing, the mugging…and let's not forget that one time with that guy in the underpass." Banks put in.

"You always need to bring that up? Seriously, it was one time! And Jex was looking out for me the whole time, right Jexy, old pal?" Jex laughed at that.

"Only as your pimp!"

"But you were there!" Jex stuck out her tongue at him. Banks looked at the grimy clock o the wall.

"Shit! Jex, you gotta go! All the gang's dealers gonna be there by now!" Jex glanced at the clock and swore.

"Fuck! Thanks Banks, I owe you one!" She ran out into the winter streets, not bothering to grab a jacket, and saw a nice motorbike parked on the curb. She grinned, drawing some hairpins out of her messed up hair. She was expert at stealing bikes.

The freezing air bit into her bare arms as she sped to the dockside warehouse that all the dealers met at. The 'Dealer Den', or more commonly, the den.

**Whats gonna happen at the den? Whats so scary about Rookie's customers? R&R and you'll find out...**


	3. I Don't Know Why

**Nothing to saaaay! Except to read 'Geek In The Striped Shirt And Goggles'! Its getting really good right noww!!!**

**WARNING: LOTS OF SWEARING**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!**

The huge muscular dude by the door of the den nodded to confirm he knew who she was, and opened the door to admit her. Inside the small entrance way, it was completely dark once the door had close. The only lights were the glowing ends of many joints smoked by dealers who sat on tables, leaned against the wall, or sat on the floor. One stood up and threw a hooded sweater at her. She nodded once at him, knowing he would see, and threw it on over her head. It was way too big for her, but that was okay. When the hood was up, her face was almost entirely hidden. She walked through the next door into the large warehouse.

The echoing slam of the door behind her made the few people in the large room turn to face her. She sauntered over to them nonchalantly, one hand visible and hooked through her belt, and one underneath the sweater, resting on the gun held to her side by a leather strap. The men all had at least one hand hidden, ready on a hidden weapon. These gatherings got ugly pretty fast.

"Jex." A tall man in a suit nodded curtly to her, and extended his hand to her. She ignored it. The redhead on the floor waved at her, his eyes not leaving the third man present. It was on this man that Jex's eyes lingered. He had short, curly black hair, jade-green eyes, and a heartbreaking smile. He winked at Jex and smiled. She instinctively recoiled.

"Marley" She addressed the man on the floor. "Can I have a word with you? Outside." The iron in her voice sent the man in the suit back a step, but Marley stood up and ambled out the back entrance after her. The second the door shut, she punched him in the nose. He looked at her, completely unfazed, although his nose was spontaneously bleeding like a volcano. "Ow. Jex, that hurt."

"So it fucking should!" she raged "What were you thinking, bringing him here?! You know what he's like! He'll shoot the whole fucking building down, then lap up the blood and probably fuck the fucking corpses! He's insane! He already knows too much, he knows I'm his dealer now. He thinks a girl will be easy prey, like he did last time! He'll kill me!" Marley was silent all through this little outburst. Carefully, he replied;

"He's not going to kill you." Jex looked at him, confused. "He knows you have us at your back, and that you've killed people a lot stronger than him. You'll be fine. Go deal with it."

She glared at him. "Thanks a bunch, Marley. Now I'm stuck with this guy, who even terrified Rookie, and tried to rape me when I was on the game. Thanks."

"I thought you were over that."

"I am, or I couldn't bring it up so lightly in conversation. It was four years ago, Marley. I've changed. If he tries anything, I'll shoot his mother fucking brains out."

Marley grabbed her shoulders and shoved her at the door. "That's the spirit. Go kick ass." He followed her back in and sat down, boredly clicking away at his DS. Jex faced the two men.

"So, Watari." The suited one stayed in just the right position, so his face was completely hidden by the shadows and by his hat. "What you doin' here? I thought you didn't like dealin' and drugs and that stuff."

"I don't." was the icy reply. "I'm here on matters only concerning my employer. It's important to him."

"What's in it for us?" Watari had been involved in the gang's spy network since before Jex could remember, and always took thing back to his mystery employer. It couldn't be the police, or they would've been busted by now. But they let it slide, because he was useful to them.

"I can tell you that the police are posting checkpoint throughout the city in three days, trying to close in on your hideout- or hideouts. It's a secret operation, but my employer said it would be of use to you."

"Thanks. You can stay." He was forgotten as she turned to the other man. "Trick." She hissed. "I thought you'd gone back to whatever hole you've been hiding in, and we'd never see you again. But that's my bad luck." She stepped towards him, drawing her gun and resting it on his temple. "Why shouldn't I kill you? Why should I let you be a danger to the gang and a waste of good cocaine when you could destroy us in a second?" she pushed the gun harder. He smirked at her.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jexy." He slipped his hands over her hips and pushed her away. Her gun was still leveled at his head. "I may just be one of good old Rookie's best customers, but your boss has an important job for me. So, if you think about it, I must be more important than you…" he forced her gun arm down and leaned in to whisper in her ear "So I can do to you what I like…as you're a lower rank than me." her blood nearly boiled at his slimy words.

"Forget the boss, bastard!" she screamed, and shoved him away. "You die!" she aimed her gun and almost pulled the trigger, when Marley leapt into her way.

"Jex! You cant kill him!"

"Why the fuck not! You heard what he said!"

"Yeah, but the boss needs him alive! Trust me!"

"Jex." said a softer voice. "We need him alive." Jex glared at Watari, but lowered her gun. Marley smiled at him gratefully. Trick smirked again.

"So, Jexy, for the next week or so, I'm more important than you. I'm higher up than you. You do what I say, or you'll regret it." She spat in his face. He wiped it off with his sleeve, slowly, as if he wasn't bothered in the slightest. "We'll have _fun_, I'm sure of it." He left through the main entrance.

"That's why you called me here!?" Jex turned on Marley. "To tell me that he's going to be hanging around?!"

"No." Marley was completely not bothered by the mad dealer. "Just to tell you pickup points for your new stock and where you sell it." He handed her a file.

"Thanks." She snatched it, turned on her heel, and stalked out. Watari looked at Marley, stepping out of the shadows.

"You're known as Marley to these people?" Marley grinned.

"Yeah. It's easier than having the kids at Whammy's finding me."

"Odd choice though."

"Guess so."

"Matt, what exactly is Mello planning?" Matt's grin grew wider.

"You'll find out in a week. What did ya think of old Jexy?"

"I think L was right. We need her in Japan."

"See? And she reacted very badly to Trick. That's good for Mello's plan too."

"I wish you wouldn't be so secretive. L needs to know."

"L will know in a week, got it? I should go, I need to find her. We really do need to keep Trick away from her."

"Good luck Matt."

"You too, Watari."

**Whats Matt and Watari doing there? Whats Mello planning? I've played around with the timeline, L isnt dead. I dont like L being dead. Watari is keeping tabs on Matt and Mello and telling L what theyre doing so L can use it to his advantage. R&R and i will love you forever!!!**


	4. Why Has This Happened To Me

**Kinda filler-chapter, but everything in there needs to be said. Jex is very very annoyed at what went down at the den, but its all very important. i havent decided why yet, it just is. **

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!**

_SMASH!_

Ink looked up from the manga book he was reading and said to Banks "Jex is home."

"I heard." Banks grinned. Jex stormed into the room, gun ready in her hand, fist bleeding where she had just punched a mirror. She glared at both of them for no apparent reason, and threw the gun at the opposite wall, which it left a huge dent. Banks laughed more. "Jex, calm down. What happened?"

"That bitch Trick showed his ugly fuckin' face, that's what!" she retrieved the gun and leveled it at the window. Ink dropped his book and leapt up, trying to protect the window. He knew she wouldn't shoot him. Banks examined the dent in the wall, and then poked it lightly with his finger. The whole section of plaster collapsed from the wall.

"Jex, Jex, if he's there on boss's orders, there's not a lot we can do. He's gonna be around. How long for?"

"A week! And because he's 'important to the boss' he thinks that makes him a 'higher rank' than me, and that means I cant kill him and he think he can do 'anything he likes' to me!" Jex shoved Ink out the way and tried to shoot the window again. Banks picked her up and wrapped his arms round her in a suffocating bear hug. She couldn't breathe, and dropped the gun in the attempt to get away.

"You're too valuable to the gang for the boss to stand for him doing whatever to you. And we've got your back. You'll be fine."

"And Jex" Ink added "The boss hinted that at the end of the week us three have a big job to do. That'll be fun; it can take your mind off things. Plus tonight, we need to burn down a rival gang boss's mansion. You in?"

"Sure, whatever. Banks, put me down, god damn it!!!" He laughed and did so.

"Well, I gotta go. Some business jerk paid me to 'talk' with so random corrupt employee or somethin', I don't know the details. Ciao." Banks left, leaving Ink and Jex alone.

"You know what's goin' down at the weekend, Ink?" Jex was only half paying attention.

"Not a clue." He picked up his book. "But we'll have fun, I'm sure."

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That night, Kira took another twenty-one gang members. Most had all been involved in the same job a couple days before, so something must've gone wrong there for Kira to get names and faces. Jex knew them all, and losing them was cruel. Trick kept popping up wherever she was, but Ink, Marley or Banks was always there to stop her shooting him. Jex didn't really know Marley too well, but over the next few days they got to be friends. The man Watari was around a lot too. He always seemed to be watching, watching Jex, or Trick, or Marley. Gang rumors said he actually knew who the boss was, but seeing as only a few people, like Marley, knew who he was, Jex didn't really believe it. Marley was a cool guy, he didn't do anything for the gang except his dealing, and he was good at what he did. He could be better than Rookie had been, if he just stopped with all the video games and put everything into his job. But oh well.

Two days before whatever was being planned was going to happen, a note found its way to Jex.

_Dockside, in two days. An hour before midnight. Be there._

_M._

M. That was the boss's name. Why did he want her at the docks then? She couldn't refuse orders. She had to go.

**M? Whos M? I think you can guess XD So the big plan's gonna happen at the dockside...hmm...R&R! I'm perishing without reviews here! I havent got any!! But still, i'm really into this story, so i'm going to keep updating. :P**


	5. My Life Is Unfolding

**This chapter may seem random, but its necessary. i know i say that alot, but really. everything will fall into place in the next chapter.**

**Grr. I'm pissed off right now. Huff.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy...?**

The dream was a memory, always starting in the same place: Afterwards.

"_So, Jexy." Trick snarled, standing up and nursing a scratched, bleeding cheek and black eye, "Playing hard to get today? Well. I'll be sure to get you next time…" he flung a torn shirt back to her. She spat at him and kicked him in the knee, a difficult move from her position on her back, but it had the desired effect. He swore and slapped her. "Bitch." He spat blood at her and walked to the door. "A hard to get hooker…who'd have thought? But Jexy…watch your back, got it?"_

Jex sat up with a start, the knife she gripped under her pillow moving into defense. The figure who had been staring at her skipped back a couple steps, no mean feat in a crouched position. A lamp flickered into life. There was that smile, the smile that attracted the girls like moths to flame, the smile that haunted her nightmares. "Hello Jexy, baby. Did ya miss me?" Her eyes went wide with fear as Trick crawled over her, but she held her knife firmly level with his throat. He chuckled. "Play nice, and I'll be nice to you." He gripped her knife-wrist and twisted, crushing the bones and causing her to yell and drop her weapon. He pinned her hips down with his knees and forced a violent kiss onto her lips. She bit him, swallowing the blood. He flicked out a switch blade and cut across her cheek, growling in anger. She kicked her leg up as high as she could, kicking her knee into his back, making him loosen his hold on her wrists. Whipping over as fast as she could, she pinned him to the floor and grabbed the gun she kept in the pillow case. She had it pressed under his chin.

"Die, bastard! Just fucking DIE!!!!!!"

"JEX! NO!" Marley threw himself through the door and onto Jex's back, tackling her to the floor and sending the gun spinning into a corner. "Banks, Ink, get that dickhead OUT of here!!!" Jex glared at Marley, who stared back through his orange goggles as calmly as he could. Banks and Ink dragged the insane drug addict out of the apartment, taking him someplace where he couldn't reach Jex but he could still be of use to the boss.

"Marley, I'm calm. You can get the hell off me now!" Jex said through gritted teeth. Marley did so, but so she couldn't escape, wrapped her in a tight hug. For her sake, he pretended he couldn't feel her shaking. She gripped his stripy shirt sleeves tightly. He pressed his cheek to her messy black hair.

"I swear, Marley" she whispered "I swear that I'll be the one to kill that bitch. If anyone else kills him before me, then that bitch has to die for making me break that promise." Marley said nothing. But he couldn't prevent his mind from marveling at how well things were falling into place. No wonder Mello was number two.

Looking down at the girl he held in his arms, he felt a pang of guilt. He felt awful using her like this- even if it was for the good of the world.#

**Yep! For the good of the world!! R&R Please! I'm really into this story, so its not gonna be ending halfway through, but i really would love reviews...reviewers get rainbow cookies!!!**


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